When it comes to getting down and dirty, there are no stupid questions, only juicy ones. But 
who to ask for no-BS smarts? Shut down your browser ASAP – We have made a sexopedia…

What’s with the coming-on-a-woman’s-face fantasy?

Until Crème de la Mer changes its name to Crème de la Male Genitals and identifies the scrotum as the source of eternal youth, we’d rather keep low-flying loads away. So why is this 
act a porn staple? “Power,” admits Dr Fox. “Ejaculation has a life-giving force, but is also seen as a taboo substance. Bring the two ideas together and it expresses dominance.”

Why are we so prudish about using lubricant?

YouTube sexologist and founder of the LoveLife sex tutorials, Jacqueline Hellyer, encounters this fear a lot. “People say, ‘It’s unnatural’. Yes, but so is toothpaste and lotions,” she admits. “Prudishness comes from the idea that sex should be natural and just happen. But a woman’s natural lubrication comes and goes. You’re less likely to lubricate if you’re tired, at certain times of the month and 
if you’re having a long sex session, even if it is fantastic.” Basically, vaginas are not lubrication pumps, 
so help them out. (Thank you.)

Why do men wake up with their penis hard?

Morning wood equals prehistoric man’s alarm clock? Its timing puts your snooze button to shame. Yet the cause has nothing to do with getting up or getting it on. “Sometimes called ‘piss hard-ons’, a full bladder activates the spine’s sacral nerve, the nerve responsible for spontaneous erections (where no sexy thoughts occur),” Dr Christopher Fox, chairperson of the Society of Australian Sexologists, explains. Men get three to five erections while asleep, lasting between 25 to 35 minutes, which is the result of hormones (testosterone and norepinephrine) during REM sleep. We’re not sure if we’re more surprised at that or the term ‘piss hard-ons’.

During a sex dream, do you touch yourself?

Your mind is in a super happy place, but, er, what about further south? “Most commonly, you won’t touch yourself,” says Désirée Spierings, Director of Sexual Health Australia (sexualhealthaustralia.com.au). Masturbating while sleeping can happen, but it’s called sexomnia, 
a form of sleepwalking that covers anything from simple touching to full intercourse while asleep. “However, we can orgasm from a sex dream, even without touching ourselves. For men it’s a wet dream. But it’s also possible for women,” she adds.

Why do people randomly shout out some crazy 
sh*t while mid-deed?

Ever wondered how your vagina has the ability to turn the sweetest of men into X-rated filth bags? Let us (attempt to) explain. The involuntary body spasms that we experience when we orgasm also happen in our brains. “The frontal cortex, responsible for logical thinking and foreseeing consequences, shuts down,” explains Spierings. “During an orgasm, the brain actually looks 
a lot like that of someone who’s currently on heroin. Basically, you’re not completely with it. Once the arousal state is over, our thinking brain kicks back in. That’s when someone might regret what they said during the deed.”

Why is the thought of 
our parents having sex 
so insanely disturbing?

We hope to be boning well into our eighties, yet the idea of our parents doing it other than to conceive us 
is frankly obscene. Why so gross? “Sex displays emotions, sounds and preferences that reveal the animal that we are,” explains Dr Vivienne Cass, sexology professor at Curtin University and author of The Elusive Orgasm (brightfire.com.au). “We try to cover it up but when our parents have sex, we react with disgust as it doesn’t fit how we imagine them to be.” Dr Cass notes this is a Western attitude. “In many cultures children sleep in the same or adjoining rooms to their parents, so the sounds and sight of parental sex is common.”

Why is there always a plumber in porn movies?

In reality, when your boiler breaks you’re in trouble. In erotic movies, you’re in for a good time. Either we’re all secret suckers for tool belts or something else is at play. “It’s a fantasy because it’s out of bounds,” says sexologist Dr Nikki Goldstein (drnikki.com.au). “The plumber should be fixing your pipes, not having sex with you. Same with the pizza boy. Having sex with a guy at a bar is boring in comparison to someone who is forbidden. That’s where fantasy comes from – something that in real life would be taboo.”

While I’m having sex, why 
do I suddenly get wind?

Turns out that yoga class isn’t the only offender of untimely flatulence. Because the vagina runs parallel to part of the rectum and colon, during sex, pressure can cause air to be quickly expelled. “It’s common,” laughs Vanessa Thompson, sex researcher at the University of Sydney (nswsexologyservices.com.au).

Why is semen gloopier some days more than others?

The texture of a man’s semen is a pretty accurate calendar of how recently he has ejaculated; the more watery it is indicates more recent activity. But what it doesn’t tell you is how aroused he is or how fertile he is, confirms Dr Fox. Volume can vary from 1.5ml to 6ml – roughly one third of a teaspoon to just over a teaspoon. You will never look down at your cutlery drawer in the same way again.

What areas 
of female sexuality are scientists still baffled by?

“Scientists can’t seem to agree on orgasms,” says Thompson. Combine a more complex female anatomy with the fact that for a long time it was assumed the female orgasm was the same as a male’s, and we see why the woman-focused scientific community has some catching up to do. “There is continual debate over the type of orgasms women have, and where in the body the orgasms originate. [There are people who believe that] there’s a clear distinction between vaginal and clitoral orgasms; others claim orgasms originate in the clitoris,” Thompson adds. Then there’s female ejaculation: “Some say it’s the equivalent of a male ejaculating sperm; others that it’s wee.”

Can eating pineapple change how a man tastes?

Science can’t confirm it (strangely enough, the ‘funky spunk’ study still needs funding) but anecdotal evidence says, yes, it will make it sweeter. “Semen is linked to the body’s health,” confirms Dr Goldstein. “If he’s drinking, smoking and eating badly, it’s going to come out in his semen and make it taste off.”

What does pansexual mean?

“Called omnisexuality or gender-blind, pansexuality is being attracted to someone of any sex or gender,” explains Spierings. “This includes an attraction to those who 
are intersex, or outside this gender binary. 
It’s different to bisexuality, where the object of affection is male and female.”

I’m heterosexual. Why do I dream about lesbian scenarios?

It’s rarely to do with your actual sexual orientation, but rather women’s open-minded attitude to sex, says Dr Cass. “Recent research shows that men and women both have different reactions to viewing sexual material. Because women are more curious than judgemental, we get aroused by a broad range of things – for example, looking at two women or two men having sex, even if you have no desire to engage in this,” Dr Cass reveals. “Men’s sexual arousal tends to involve a specific set of people/things/situations that turn them on. That’s about it. A heterosexual man rarely fantasises about two men, but two women having sex is a common fantasy, usually with himself somewhere in the picture.”

Why does the clitoris 
sometimes get numb?

One minute there’s intense pleasure. The next? Nothing. “The clitoral glans have a hood that protects the 6,000 to 8,000 nerve endings from harm,” explains Dr Cass. “To help us feel more pleasure, the hood retracts when you’re aroused. But the nerves are sensitive; if they’re pressed hard or touched for a long time they react by becoming numb. Touch another part of the body until the numbness goes.”

Are there any side effects of using vibrators?

The only negative is what it’s made of. “Some contain phthalates, a chemical in jelly products that’s been linked to cancer,” Dr Goldstein tells us. “It’s banned from kids’ toys, but because sex toys fall under the ‘novelty use’ loophole, the government doesn’t seem to realise we insert them in our bodies.” If a vibrator isn’t labelled phthalate-free, ask first.

Is female viagra ever likely to be a thing?

Will it happen? Yes. Will it work? Possibly not. “Flibanserin, the female viagra, was approved by the Food and Drug Administration in June, so we may see Australian doctors prescribing it soon,” confirms Thompson. Although, in trials, there were pretty mean side effects – dizziness, nausea, fainting and sleepiness – plus only a 10 per cent success rate. “Because of the popularity of male Viagra, there’s a lot of expectation, but the male and female sexual response cycle is very different,” she adds. “The complexity 
of female arousal, which includes social, emotional and psychological components, means no drug can ever address all of these issues.”

Why are men more likely than women 
to send unsolicited pictures of their bits?

There are some pictures that even an Instagram filter can’t salvage. Take the unwanted groin shot. “From my research on men and the size of their penis, some tie their ideas of being masculine to its specific size,” says Dr Fox. “The focus 
of their sexual expression is often through their penis.” Call us old-fashioned, but 
we still prefer the rose emoji.

Why does pain give pleasure?

It might not feel like it when you stub your toe, but pleasure and pain originate from the same receptors. The difference is context. “If someone randomly whacks you on the bum, it’s going to hurt. But 
if you’re with your partner, kissing and touching, and he gives you a little whack on the same spot, for many women that’s a huge turn on, because they trust the person they’re with,” says Hellyer. He calls this kind of activity ‘impact play’.

BDSM sounds scary – what exactly does it involve?

Newsflash: probably loads of activities you’re already doing. “Bondage, Discipline and SadoMasochism covers a huge variety. Wearing a blindfold is BDSM because there’s a touch of bondage, like if you tie your partner up and run a feather over their body,” describes Hellyer. The key elements include restraint, playing with pleasure and pain, spanking, temperature play (using heat and cold) and command (‘do this, do that’). “Think of it as ‘sensation play’,” Hellyer adds. “Any couple can engage in BDSM but you need to be able to say, ‘Yes, that excites me, but I’m also a bit scared. So, how can we do this?’ The people who are really into it are masters of negotiation.”

Are there any other vibrators on the market apart from The Rabbit?

Short answer: hell yes. “People still picture the Rabbit, but that’s being phased out for smaller, better-charging devices made by tech companies. Now even Silicon Valley is getting involved,” Dr Goldstein 
tells us. Her favourites include a discrete bullet vibrator attached to 
a necklace, and ‘The Womanizer’, a handheld device with a nozzle 
that sucks around the clitoris and vibrates.